I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Boobs are out for the taking
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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