Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
