she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
