part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
