My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
