Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
