Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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