I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
