I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
