I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
