you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
