This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
