Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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