I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
