she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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