So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
