you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
