Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
