he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
