I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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