I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
