Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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