I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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