I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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