Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
