the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
