i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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