she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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