So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
