I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
