the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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