she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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