I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
