After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
