I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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