my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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