I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
