Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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