It was confusing and full of hummus
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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