I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
