just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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