It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
