When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
