my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?