A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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