you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
