Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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