sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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