Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
