her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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