It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
