well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
