Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
