Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
