im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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