did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
